09/29/2017
I’m empty! I am not finding “it” anywhere I turn. I am lonely, why can’t I be alone? Why do I feel like I have to have a “guy” in order to feel valuable? Why do I always end up with the wrong guy when I am in a relationship? I have so many questions I need answers to! Who knows the answers? Who do I ask? All the women in my life were making the same or similar mistakes, so I couldn’t talk to them. I knew I couldn’t continue to live as I was. How do I stop? How on earth do I change my life from going down this downward spiral? God who can I talk to? Are You there? God? Who?
DATE JESUS
I went back to the pastor! I sat in front of him and asked, “What am I doing wrong with my life? I feel like I have just wasted my entire life, for nothing, no one. What am I doing wrong with relationships, with guys? I just want to be loved, I need to be loved and I’m just not finding him!”
He simply said, “Tammy you are loved, just DATE JESUS for awhile”.
Just, DATE JESUS!?%& #!!! Did he just say, “DATE JESUS!?! I then asked, “Uh, how… do you… date Jesus?” He asked, “Well… what do you do with guys on a date?”
I mumbled, “Uh… movies, walks, hikes, romantic dinners in front of the fireplace, that kind of thing.”
He explained, “Do that with Jesus”, “spend time with Him. Get to know Him. He knows you and loves you. He just wants to have a relationship with you.”
The Bible, he explained is a love story written so we would know and love Jesus. He asked me to read a chapter a day, starting in Matthew, the first book in the New Testament. I had been told my entire life to read the Bible and pray, but this day there was something different in hearing the words read aloud. It was as though they took on life. I can’t explain it any other way. LIFE.
I left the office filled with hope, but was still unsure about the whole “date Jesus” thing. I went for what must have been an hour or more drive, processing everything I had just heard. Everything all of a sudden made sense. I knew I was ruining my life and God was getting my attention. He had a better plan all along and I was getting in the way of it. It’s time. It’s time to give Him back my life. I prayed He would repair what I had destroyed, and show me what to do next. Desiring to remember all God was revealing to me, I went to a bookstore and purchased a journal.
Once home, with a fire in the fireplace, I walked in the bathroom and gazed in the mirror. As I looked in the mirror I saw myself for the first time. I saw how ugly I was. Sin. Sin had made me ugly. It was as though a veil had been lifted up off my face and eyes. I could see my sin, how ugly I was, and how it was all hidden from me till that moment. The worst sin of all was my pride in justifying all my actions. Blaming seemed so much easier than being responsible for my own choices. I was ugly from sin. But God in His love for me provided a way to Him. He gave me someone He loved, to pay the price and cover me. He showed me Jesus, and how He desires to rescue me from this world of sin. God offered Jesus to me as a way out of what I had done to myself. How could I say no? I fell to the floor on my knees. I felt someone in the room… it was Him. It was Jesus. His presence was evident by the peace, the shear peace. I lifted my hands to Heaven. My eyes were full of tears for Him.
“Please Father, forgive me! I know I am a sinner. Please forgive me! Come into my heart and take over my life. I give it to you. Fill me with You, Your Spirit. Help me to live for You. Help me to know who You are. I want to know You. I want to love You.”
I encountered a loving, forgiving God. This was real. He is real. I experienced love through His forgiveness.
After this most incredible encounter with Jesus, I sat in front of the fireplace, opened my journal, and began to write…
I started reaching out toward a new love, a new life. I reflected on things which held me in my yesterdays; broken ties which kept me bound, the sadness which followed an unforgiving heart, made it difficult for me to see my way. The road had always felt long before me and memories begged me to stay. I realized the word lonely was born from pride. I felt as if no one in the world could understand me, until Jesus came along and told me this…
“All will be forgotten, all sin and ugly things, every tear you’ve cried I’ve seen and heard. Now that you’re eyes have been awakened to My presence; you need to know I’ve been there all along standing by your side, watching with a broken heart as you stumbled along in life, one painful decision after another but now its time… let go of yesterday.”
I had just experienced Jesus coming to my rescue and saving my soul. My soul! He did that for me! I experienced Him in a real, supernatural way. He was so gentle and kind. No huge sparks or fireworks, just peace. Grace and peace, the mercy of this is so unbelievable, and not of this world. To be forgiven and set free. To be loved so much by God, that He sent His own Son to pay the price for my sin through His life, so I may have life forever! This is love; real love, someone loving me unconditionally to the point of dying for me all the while knowing I will never be perfect, but covering me with Himself. Beyond beautiful. This is what I have always desired.
1998
I opened my journal and wrote a promise from deep within my heart. I had asked Jesus into my heart! I looked in the mirror and the veil of truth was lifted from my face, and I saw a person full of ugly sin before my eyes.
“I am ugly. I see my sin…oh my God; please forgive me for all my ugly sin. I felt You in the room surrounding me in Your presence, washing me in Your grace, cleansing me in Your mercy and Your love brought me to my knees. I want You! I need You! I can’t live any more without You Jesus. Come in and take over this damaged heart of mine. It’s Yours. Show me how to live for You. Teach me how to love You the way You deserve. Show me what love is. I know I’ve never experienced real love; I want to know. LOVE…”
Positioned in front of the glowing flames within the fireplace, I laid down on the warm floor once again. It was time for me to yield my will to God, and follow the pastor’s counsel; and submit to His perfect, Holy will for my life. So I declared, “Here I am Lord.” I was going to “date Jesus”!
May 12, 1998
Journal Entry:
“I am committing to date Jesus for a year, no, scratch that, 9 months…no…six months. Lord, I am committing to dating Jesus for six months. Only Jesus for six months!” Thus my last day of my commitment to God would be November 12th.
The journey was not only to heal the pain from my past, but more importantly to fall deeply in love with Jesus. Pastor Dennis advised for me to read a chapter a day from the Bible, starting with the first book in the New Testament; Matthew. Matthew 1:1. I made a commitment on May 12, 1998, to read a chapter a day, and date only Jesus for the next six months.
I cried out to God during the months following this commitment. “I need Your help Father! Because I still desire to pray for my future husband. I also seem to be meeting Christian guys that act interested more then ever. They’re coming out of the woodwork; why is this? I think I am being tempted not to make this commitment, but a promise is a promise, and its only six months after all. But I still need Your help Lord!”
So many wonderful things happened between Jesus and me in the following six months. There was something so romantic about this new love in my life, as He was after ALL of my heart. Oh, how I had longed my entire life to be desired in this way, and it was finally happening! Not of course, the way I had planned, but as the romance continued, I realized nothing could ever compare to this love relationship. I never imagined in a million years Jesus could woo me or romance me. But He did, and He does. He knew…He knew exactly what my heart desired. He wooed me and I fell hard.
DIVINE ROMANCE-YOU ARE MY PEARL
Matthew 13:45,46
“Again, the kingdom of heaven is like a merchant seeking beautiful pearls, who, when he had found one pearl of great price, went and sold all that he had and bought it.”
God had used Pastor Dennis Davenport to counsel me, and his counsel was to “date Jesus” for a while. To get to know Jesus, the One who loves me like no other can. This Jesus, who loved me so much, it took Him to the cross. He knows me and He knows just how to love me. Only He can meet my deepest need…to feel completely loved. He was about to woo me. I had no idea Jesus would come into my life, to show me in such a personal way that He was after my heart. He knew in order for me to “get it,” He would need to reveal to me it was Him who was after me. Jesus wooed my heart to Him. And I fell in love…with Him.
The pastor counseled me to read a chapter a day in the Bible, starting with the first book in the New Testament; Matthew. The first day I read Matthew 1, second day-Matthew 2, etc. When I read Matthew 12, it was a day to be remembered and written in my journal.
When I read Matthew 12, I prayed and went for a jog. Later I went to the grocery store in need of something yummy. But it turned into something else, something loving-I think I heard Jesus’ voice for the first time in my life.
I was in the produce section squeezing some fruit, when I noticed him. He was an older gentleman, maybe late fifties, light brown hair and on the thin side. He caught my eye because of all the red roses in his cart. There must have been three dozen. I was intrigued by how he was intensely searching for the perfect greeting card to go with the roses. He went from one to the other, with a fervent desire for the perfect card. All of a sudden he looked up, and found me staring at him. “Oh no”, I thought…I immediately looked down at the fruit I was squeezing, pretending not to notice. He went back to looking for the perfect card. When I thought it was safe to look again, I lifted my head from the fruit to stare at this man with his red roses. He must have felt my eyes burning in the back of his head, as he suddenly stopped, looked my direction again, only to find me staring at him! “I’m busted again!” I thought. I quickly went back to squeezing my melons in hopes not to look like a complete fool. Then he went back to looking intently at the cards hoping to find the perfect one once again. Yes…I started to stare again… only for him to turn quickly this time and full on bust me looking at him straight in the eye. I had no choice but to laugh at myself…he smiled back.
I decided it was best for me to leave the area and went on my way to do my own shopping. He must have thought I was an absolute freak! Oh well…it was cool watching a man in love with three-dozen roses and the perfect card. When I finished shopping, and walked with my grocery cart to my car, the older gentleman walked up to me with three of the roses, and offered them to me.
He said, “Here… these are for you. I just wanted to let you know that it is my thirtieth wedding anniversary and the roses and card are for my beautiful wife.” I said, “I knew it was for someone special. Are you sure you want to give these to me?”
“Yes, I do.” “Thank you.” He turned and walked back to his car as I got into my car. I sat watching him rearrange the roses just perfectly for her. I thought, “If only she could see him doing this for her…that’s the gift, not the roses themselves or the card, but the time he’s putting into this just for her.”
As I drove past him through the parking lot I heard a voice. This was the first time I had ever heard His voice. It was a still small voice just as the Bible speaks of. It felt like a whisper behind the back of my neck.
“Tammy…the roses…they are from Me.” “Jesus…is that You?” I turned to look only to find no one there, but I was sure I heard Him say the roses were from Him. My heart was touched deeply because I knew it was indeed Jesus speaking to my heart. I touched the roses as if they were the most precious gift I had ever received. Can this be? Jesus giving me roses, can He do that? He is God after all…I guess He can do this. He touched me…He touched my heart that night.
As I woke up the next day, I decided to go on a jog first thing in the morning, and read Matthew 13 when I returned home. I was jogging on my normal daily route, on a busy road, when I heard the voice again.
This time I heard, “look down.” I instantly looked down and saw something glowing on the road. I stopped to pick it up. It was a beautiful bracelet. A pearl bracelet, with each pearl set in a gold heart!
While I held the bracelet I heard His voice say, “It’s for you.” “For me!” Now He is giving me jewelry? Can this be? Am I imagining all this? Why would He be doing this for me? This does not make any sense, I’ve never heard of this before. I didn’t ponder it any further until I got home.
I picked up my bible and opened to Matthew 13:45-46, and read, “Again, the kingdom of heaven is like a merchant seeking beautiful pearls, who, when he had found one pearl of great price, went and sold all that he had and bought it.”
I held the pearl bracelet in my hand while I read the scripture. Then He spoke again, “Tammy, you are my pearl.” “I’m Your pearl?” “Me?” “I’m Your pearl?”
My heart was so pierced by what He was speaking to me. I couldn’t believe this was actually happening to me; of all people! I was being pursued- by the living God, and He wanted me to know without a doubt it was indeed Him. He timed it all so perfectly. Only He would have known the day and the hour I would be holding a beautiful pearl bracelet the very day I was to read Matthew 13. That is God. He wanted my attention and He got it.
I desired to know this Jesus who would go out of His way to show me personally that He loved me. I was just a young lady in serious need of knowing what real love really was. He was after my heart, and knew what it would take for me to believe. It worked. I wanted to know this man Jesus. I wanted to know why He would do this for me. He hooked me in.
Every day since, I eagerly look forward to all He shares with me, learning He does indeed speak through His Word. I open my Bible knowing He wants to reveal Himself to me. He wooed me, He loves me, and I want to spend the rest of my life knowing Him and loving Him. He loved me first, and I couldn’t help but fall in love with Him back.
It’s funny when I think of pearls. A pearl begins as nothing more than an irritating grain of sand stuck in a shell of an oyster. The oyster surrounds the grain with a crystalline covering, which over years hardens and becomes precious and valuable. Those who study such things say the most beautiful pearls take seven years to form. During the seven-year period, the irritating piece of sand is hidden away-clothed and covered with beauty. That’s us-irritating pieces of sand. Yet, the Lord clothes us in His righteousness. It is Jesus who is beautiful. His righteous beauty covers me.
2 Corinthians 5:21 says, “For He hath made Him to be sin for us, who knew no sin; that we might be made the righteousness of God in Him.” IN HIM.
You are a pearl! We are all pearls! Of great price to Him-you have been clothed with the righteousness of Jesus Christ. And His righteousness is a thing of matchless pure beauty and beyond unspeakable value in the eyes of God. All because of what Jesus did for us.
Like that grain of sand, do you ever think you’re irritating? In His eyes you are actually a masterpiece of His glory. You are a pearl of His grace. Bright like the stars in a dark sky. Even the angels look at you as a miracle of God and praise Him! Then they turn, look at Jesus and say, “glory, glory, glory be to the Lamb.” Hallelujah to the Lamb, who took that little speck of sand, you and me and made it a pearl of great price! God loves you. Jesus demonstrated His love for us in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us (Romans 5:8). Amazing, truly amazing.
I used to ask questions like, “Why would Jesus die for me. What can I do to deserve Him dying for me?” A powerful question is: When did Jesus die for us? Not when we were going to church, or reading His Word, or in the midst of praying. He looked at us when we were nothing more then an irritation and said, “I love you and I’ll give all I have to redeem you, my treasure.”
And He doesn’t just stop there…it’s a journey remember?
(some of my testimony)
(Jon Courson's commentary Matthew 13:45,46)
