05/20/2026
I thought "Momma" was going to be the last of the "Through the Eyes of Doolittle" collection but I felt the need to create just a few more before closing this one off. Instead I created a much smaller collection named "She Whispers in the Wind.
This is "Transformation" and Brad insisted I needed to keep this one too.
The fox is known to be keen and observant. I became hyper observant of both Em and Brad during this time. If I haven't shared already, Brad was diagnosed with stage 3 germ cell cancer a few weeks before we lost Em. He started chemotherapy just days after her celebration of life. I held on to those closest to me as the fox does carrying the little critters on its back.
Em had a lot of transformation over those 10 months. Her appearance changed, her agility declined and she had to let go of her dreams while we focused on each day and making the best of it.
I sat by trying to hold everything together. I watched every single move being able to pick up on every little sign that something wasn't right.
I was able to pick up the same thing with Bradley.
For those are unaware, Bradley became very sick two months after we lost Em.
Our scariest day for Brad had me running for the thermometer and of course a fever has spiked. He had a fever.... a fever in a cancer patient is an oncological emergency.
I ran in to our local hospital and I was right he was going to need to be admitted. They wanted to send him over an hour away to a different hospital because of our hospital group and the rules within it. I pleaded to be sent to the hospital where his teams were. He couldn't send us there but agreed and I promised no stops straight there.
Let's just say I had not forgotten my roar and Owen Sound got to see it firsthand.
The shift nurse was an absolute bitch! She made it like we wasted her time and that we should never have brought him there to begin with. She insisted we should have went to the much smaller hospital. I explained his teams were there and that he was needing to be isolated. She insisted she was going to sit him in a wheelchair for 8 hours in the waiting room.
I pleaded with her, telling her that him sitting there could kill him. We knew about fever card protocol with Em, and she never sat in a waiting room because any slight cold or virus could have just absolutely obliterated her. The fact that this nurse was putting my husband's life at risk in a waiting room for 8 hours and didn't even bat an eye, infuriated me. She had no compassion or remorse. I told her she could pick up her fu***ng wheelchair in the parking lot and I drove the fastest I have ever drove to get him to Kincardine hospital quickly and safely.
Kincardine was absolutely baffled by the care that we received. They had no room for him either, but they made a spot in a meeting room and set us up for the night until a bed became available. They doted on us. They made sure that we had absolutely everything that we needed and the care was absolutely incredible. I begged the doctor to please save my husband. We couldn't handle another loss after just losing our daughter 2 months prior. She informed me that he was very sick, and that she was going to do everything in her power to save him. He ended up needing a blood transfusion while we were there. He had gotten sepsis and I had no idea how close we were to losing him. Sepsis is what Em had those last few days.
Brad made it home in time for Christmas. I cared for him through treatments, sepsis, blackouts and seizures. I gave him iv antibiotics every four hours for what seemed like an eternity. But then he started to improve. He grew stronger again. And he returned to work.
My purpose changed again. I started trying to figure out who I am after surviving those darkest days. I lost a giant spot in my heart and I struggled finding what I was to do now. Now was the time for me to start my transformation. I will always be Em's Momma but I no longer was her care giver. Brad no longer needed my assistance either.
This was the time I broke. My body and mind gave out as it allowed me time to rest. The exhaustion was at it's peek and I feared what was to come next. My boys have supported me and helped me through my roughest times ever. Multiple medications being changed were a challenge but they showed me compassion and reassurance the whole time.
I'm starting my own transformation now. I'm no longer a care giver to others.... they take care of me. I'm throwing myself into my art which I never could have imagined. I'm proud of my art but it's not just mine. The northern lights show the night she passed was her artwork on display. I truly believe she's painting with me, transforming me into an artist I never was before. My love for her continues in each new piece. I've found a place for some of that love to go. I've focused on my health, shedding many pounds that I've carried for far too long. I dyed my hair red from blonde. My physical transformation is well underway. My mental health is still struggling. I'm giving myself some grace as I wasn't able to focus on myself for such a long time. And I have a great team of professionals helping me along the way.
Taking time for yourself isn't a sign of weakness. I have to remind myself of that. I'm still tired from it all. My transformation is still happening in my artwork. I dive deeper with each piece.
Find happiness in the smaller things and don't take it for granted. I've only felt happiness for 10 minutes in almost 2 1/2 years. Scary right??
If you can, choose happiness in moments and forget about minor trials and tribulations that come your way. Maybe keep in mind my incapacity of feeling happiness right now. Am I worried? No.... I focus on art and remember my transformation is still figuring itself out. And I know I will feel happiness once again. 🥰